JUPITER ASCENDING

Starring: Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, Eddie Redmayne
Writers: Andy Wachowski & Lana Wachowski
Directors: Andy Wachowski & Lana Wachowski

Jupiter Jones (Kunis) is not especially happy with her lot in life, living in cramped conditions with her extended Russian family and cleaning toilets for a living. What she doesn't realise is that she's actually galactic royalty and bad guy Balem Abrasax (Redmayne) wants her out of the way before she lays claim to her birthright and stops his (bwah-ha-ha) nefarious schemes.

The latest movie from the Wachowskis shares some DNA with the Matrix trilogy and certainly looks the part, with otherwordly landscapes, spaceships and creatures beautifully, imaginatively rendered. Visually, we're talking an absolute feast here. Unfortunately, the plot is absolute cobblers, the action sequences are curiously uninvolving and in Redmayne it has a quite frankly rubbish villain. I feared that a slight breeze would snap him in half and he constantly looks as if he's about to burst into tears. He also allows Jupiter to knee him in the plums. Huh, some tyrant he is.

The problems don't end there. Mila Kunis, as stunningly attractive as she is, is given virtually nothing to do except be rescued time after time by genetically engineered beefcake Caine Wise (Tatum looking like the military version of Teen Wolf). Also, I would have expected Jupiter to take more control of her destiny than she did but instead she's used as a pawn in a game of cross and double-cross between Redmayne's character and his siblings (played by Tuppence Middleton and Douglas Booth, who at least look like they were enjoying themselves even if I wasn't). For someone who's supposed to be the focal point of the plot she's just a bystander whose only purpose is to react to the mayhem going on around her.

Also thrown into the mix is Sean Bean as Caine's one-time commander, part bee (I'm not making this up) and custodian of the best Sheffield accent in the galaxy. He plays the Basil Exposition role here and his character's own particular motivation will throw yet another spanner into the works, not that I was the slightest bit bothered. Allegiances shifted so often in this flick that I soon gave up trying to predict who was on which side and I was checking my watch long before the first hour was up.

Sorry folks, but I have to report that this is a dud. True, there's innovation in the designs and the CGI work is exemplary but Jupiter's plight doesn't grip. This should have been spectacular but I genuinely couldn't wait for it to be over. I may have actually enjoyed Mortdecai more than this and that's a worrying thing to be saying.