MORTDECAI

Starring: Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor

Writer: Eric Aronson

Director: David Koepp

Despite having some of the worst reviews in recent memory, including several which said it was the worst movie ever and one particular rant which proclaimed it the death of cinema, I went along voluntarily to see Mortdecai with Mrs Deej. Although it's nowhere near the worst movie I've ever seen (those "Worst. Film. Ever." people should watch some straight-to-video stuff from the 1980s then go back and think about what they said) and although I do believe cinema is still breathing, I can't pretend that Mortdecai is anywhere near good either. As a matter of fact, it's a terrible, unfunny mess from start to finish.

The story - such that it is - involves art expert and cash-strapped aristo Lord Charlie Mortdecai (Depp) being enlisted by MI5 agent Martland (McGregor) to track down a Goya painting which has been stolen. Naturally, as in this type of caper, several interested parties are vying to get to it first. Aiding our hero is his manservant Jock (Paul Bettany, easily the best thing in this) who a) gets Mortdecai out of various scrapes with some comedy violence, b) gets accidentally shot by Mortdecai on more than one occasion and c) sleeps with lots and lots of young women. It's possible you may find those antics amusing but, save for one poor taste joke from the c) category on a plane that I probably giggled at out of sympathy, I didn't.

Few people emerge from this with much in the way of credit. Ulrich Thomsen, who is amazing on the Cinemax series Banshee, barely registers as a Russian criminal. Paul Whitehouse, he of The Fast Show, looks genuinely embarrassed in his one scene. Jeff Goldblum's cameo is, to say the least, ineffectual. Olivia Munn...well, her character's a nymphomaniac and, er, that's it. You'll have rarely seen so many decent actors given so little to work with.

As for Johnny Depp, he gives it his all but I suspect his performance will irritate just as many as it delights. McGregor is actually pretty good at playing a pompous arse although the sub-plot dealing with his long-standing infatuation with Lady Mortdecai (Paltrow) provides even thinner gruel than the rest of the story although a flashback to their University days did provide a smile. Not a laugh, you understand, but certainly a smile.

David Koepp's arguably better-known for his screenplay work on projects such as Jurassic Park and Mission: Impossible but it should be noted that his early directorial choices (The Trigger Effect, Stir Of Echoes) were interesting, edgy affairs. This is the polar opposite, a movie so light that I wondered whether it might evaporate before it reached the screen. For the poor audience enduring this travesty with me, this may have been a good thing had it happened.

Done well, this movie would have hit the mark as an frothy, amusing romp. Alas, it struggles for laughs at every single turn and it wastes the considerable talents of its cast. It doesn't particularly matter that most of the humour is relentlessly old-fashioned but it does matter when it's executed as clunkingly as it is here. Also, the screenplay's obsessed with vomit and moustaches, sometimes both at the same time. Perhaps on some planet that whole puking/face fur combo is side-splittingly hilarious. Unfortunately the movie's playing on Earth and its inhabitants will find themselves trapped in a mirth-free environment for almost one hundred per cent of its 107 minutes.

As for Mrs. Deej, she didn't like it either.