CELLULOID SCREAMS 2018: DAY FOUR

Day 3 brought the Celluloid Screams crowd spooky shenanigans by the sea, warped wishes from Mexico, Squad goals across the world, monsters in New Zealand, plus vigilante mobs and a camp counsellor cull in the good ol' U.S. of A. Where would Day 4 take us? You're about to find out...


LIFECHANGER

Let's go with the imdb summary on this one: "A murderous shapeshifter sets out on a blood-soaked mission to make things right with the woman he loves".

Apart from that, I feel I should avoid giving away any details about the plot of Lifechanger because it's best that you go into it knowing as little as possible. If you really want me to provide a lazy comparison, think of it as The Hidden with less gratuitous carnage, more interesting existential musings and a welcome, unexpectedly warm dash of romance added to the mix (if you think the latter will lessen the body count then don't panic, it really doesn't).

Drawn you in? Okay, now forget that it's anything like The Hidden. Lifechanger has an M.O. all of its own and a lot of intriguing questions to pose. I was told this might be a bit of a slow-burner but I was gripped instantly by the situation of the central character and wondered where it was going next - not always where I thought, it turned out.

As the focal point of the plot, Lora Burke is casting gold as the engaging, good-natured but emotionally damaged Laura. From the minute we meet her she's a person we identify and connect with and will come to care about very much, which amplifies any potential danger to her all the more.

In a festival packed with gems, Lifechanger ended up being my favourite movie of the four days. I'm going to spoil it no further. All I can do is urge you to see this movie. It's bloody great.


POSSUM

Philip (Sean Harris) is a troubled sort, carrying around a nightmarish hand puppet - the Possum of the title - in a leather case. Staying with in the run-down house which used to be his chidlhood home, traumatic memories begin to surface and his attempts to destroy the puppet come to nought. Meanwhile, a local child disappears and Philip is very high on the list of suspects...

Director Matthew Holness is known, by me at least, for Garth Marenghi's Darkplace but anyone going into Possum thinking that it shares some - indeed, almost any - of Darkplace's DNA is in for a bit of a shock. You will not be laughing at any point in this movie. It's more than likely you'll be sitting there with a sense of growing unease. You may want to leave the cinema entirely.

I've rarely seen a movie with such an unrelentingly oppressive and fetid atmosphere and the skill with which this is evoked is beyond question. Whether you want to experience this for 85 minutes is entirely up to you. The grime threatens to spill from the screen, some of the dialogue is mumbled, the relationship between Philip and his stepfather makes your skin crawl - this is testing stuff, deliberately so.

I left the screening unnerved and a little overwhelmed, not really sure what to make of the film. Since then, the more I think of Possum the more impressed I am at its performances - both Harris and Armstrong are outstanding - its atmosphere and its unwillingness to pander to the audience. You may be looking for the film to give you an easy out but it doesn't do so. Not once.

Recommended, but brace yourselves.


SUMMER OF '84

Teenage wannabe film-maker Davey (Graham Verchere) suspects that one of his neighbours is a serial killer and enlists the help of his friends in order to gather evidence but the closer they get to the truth the more they find themselves in danger...

On the surface, Summer Of '84 is a familiar coming of age story. Bunch of teenagers hanging out? Check. One of them's a lot cooler than the others? Check. Main character has a massive crush on an older girl? Check. It also taps into the rich vein of nostalgia as makers RKSS did in their previous Turbo Kid.

However, there's also something much, much darker at work here. The cool kid, it turns out, has a really dreadful home life. The town's parents don't seem particularly invested in the possibility they're living alongside a potential serial killer. And there's a truly nasty kicker waiting for the group of friends as they edge ever closer to solving the mystery.

Some may not enjoy the shocking, jet black turn the plot takes late on but I thought it fit the mood of the piece very well indeed. The movie opens by making a point about how even though a place may look perfect it's merely a façade which is concealing something abhorrent. Summer of '84's conclusion echoes its initial gambit and then some, closing with a genuine, unresolved sense of disquiet. Growing up can be a painful experience.

The only duff note? I thought that Nikki, the object of Davey's crush, was somewhat peripheral to the proceedings and a tad underwritten but apart from that Summer Of '84 is a suspenseful, accomplished piece of work.


PUPPET MASTER: THE LITTLEST REICH

When comic book aficionado Edgar (Thomas Lennon) heads to a convention where the 30th Anniversary of the "Toulon Murders" is being commemorated, all he wants to do is sell off the Toulon puppet he's acquired so that he can make some easy money. What he hadn't counted on was the puppets being re-animated by an unseen force, triggering a whole new murder spree...

Written by S.Craig Zahler, scribe of both Bone Tomahawk and Brawl In Cell Block 99, this foregoes the slow-burn of those but retains their gory sensibilities as utterly disposable characters are burned, decapitated, dismembered, slashed and stabbed in glorious colour. The special effects crew was definitely kept busy during this project.

Unrestrained by anything approaching good taste, this is a complete and utter riot for anyone who isn't looking to be offended. If you are looking to be offended, it's a veritable smorgasbord of points about which to complain. Case in point: the sequence in which Edgar's pal Markowitz battles with a "Hitler baby" doll, leading to a hilarious pay off accompanied by a line which brought the Celluloid house down.

There's plenty of exploitation cred in the cast too, with Michael Paré as a detective, Barbara Crampton as an ex-cop-turned-expert Toulon murder tour guide and Udo Kier as Toulon himself. The final moment of The Littlest Reich is totally in keeping with the generally off-kilter nature of the piece. Obviously I'm not going to give it away but what I will say is that you'll find it frustrating or an absolute hoot, depending on your point of view.


CAM

Webcam performer Alice (Madeline Brewer), who's looking to increase her popularity with a series of increasingly sensational web shows as her online persona Lola, suddenly finds her channel locked out and hijacked by a doppelganger who appears to want to push the envelope even further. Can Alice get her channel, her followers and her life back?

Cam is an intriguing ghost in the machine tale given real depth and authenticity courtesy of a brilliant screenplay by Isa Mazzei which shines a sympathetic and fascinating light on the lives of the web performers and, like any workplace, the politics which exist the industry (watch for Samantha Robinson from "The Love Witch" on particularly pithy form in a supporting role). The writing crackles with truth, whether it's the ongoing competition to be the most popular girl on the webcam world or the quieter, poignant moments showing Alice's attempts to keep the details of her real job from her family.

In the main role(s), Brewer is exceptional: smart, sassy, savvy but also with a convincing streak of vulnerability which she tries to keep hidden most of the time. The movie doesn't slip into demonising all of the guys who enjoy the webcam shows either although it makes many salient points that, as in all walks of life, there are some weirdos out there and some men who get off on the control of women. It happens and the movie deals with it in an assured way.

Cam is an excellent exploration of the complex dynamic between the webcam stars and their followers, delivering its high-tech horror with humour and heart.


SEVEN STAGES TO ACHIEVE ETERNAL BLISS BY PASSING THROUGH THE GATEWAY CHOSEN BY THE HOLY STORSH

Closing the festival with a movie bearing the snappy title above, "Storsh" (as I will refer to it from now on) is the tale of a couple (Kate Micucci and Sam Huntington) who move to LA and snap up an apartment which is suspiciously cheap to rent. They soon find that this is because a cult leader (played by Taika Waititi) committed suicide in their bathtub, encouraging his followers to break into the property in order to follow their leader through said gateway of the title by killing themselves in said tub.

The potentially dark material here is expertly skirted by dialling up the comedy and pushing the absurdity of the situation for all its worth. Micucci's aspirational go-getter and Huntington's slacker make for an engaging double act and it's pleasing how the initial view of Storsh himself - he must have been some sort of crackpot - begins to give way to "hmm, maybe there is something in what he was saying".

The frequent suicide attempts are a great excuse to feature talented comedy performers in cameo roles (Maria Bamford and Mark McKinney* to name but two) and although a procession of cultists attempting to do themselves in doesn't sound like an especially enjoyable evening of cinema entertainment, the execution - maybe I should have chosen a better word there - will more than like make you smile, maybe even laugh quite a few times.

Surprisingly sweet given the subject matter, Storsh is more delicately dark comedy than hard-driving horror but it will appeal to fans of the genre. The laughs dry up a little towards the end but that doesn't spoil what's gone before. Considering there's quite a lot of death in this movie it's a charming, offbeat yarn with an almost constant stream of chuckles. Give it a go, it's rather lovely in its own strange way.




EPILOGUE

And that, as they say, was that. The 10th Edition of Celluloid Screams delivered another strong line-up of films - quite possibly its strongest yet. I know I say that every year but I can always make a case for it. It gets bigger, it gets better, the Celluloid Screams family grows every year and the social side of the festival is just as important and enjoyable as the films being shown.

To everyone I met in person for the first time this year, it was great to finally get to chat. To the returnees who still speak to me, it's great to catch up. To those who I got to know in the festival's infancy and continue to annoy every single year, I apologise for the ramblings and occasional rants. You people are the best.

Of course, I can't close without thanking those behind the festival who spend a huge amount of time seeking out films and making sure that the extended weekend ran like clockwork - or made it appear it was running like clockwork even if it wasn't. When it looks effortless you know it really isn't.

So, a huge, heartfelt thank you to Rob Nevitt, Polly Allen, Lucy Swift, Clare Platton and the rest of this absolutely amazing team. You always knock it right out of the park and I'm in it for as long as you are. It's always a highlight of my year and I'm sure Celluloid Screams 2019 will somehow be even more awesome.

And to anyone who was trapped in the bar during my end of festival karaoke performance, I'm really sorry. Probably a good time to also apologise to Nena for mangling the German language. It won't happen again.

Or will it?


*Full disclosure - I'm a massive fan of The Kids In The Hall. "I'M CRUSHING YOUR HEAD!!!"

CELLULOID SCREAMS 2018: DAY THREE

Relationship revelations, giallo goings-on in gay porn and celluloid carnage featured in Day Two. Here's what happened over the course of Day Three...

THE CRESCENT

After a death in the family, Beth (Danika Vandersteen) takes her son Lowen (Woodrow Graves) to her mother's beachfront house in the hope that the change of location will help with the healing process. Do you think it will? This is a horror movie after all and it becomes obvious that something is clearly not right. Is it the house, is the somewhat odd local population or is it something else?

A slow burner - the spooky stuff doesn't really begin to kick in until about 45 minutes have passed - it's clear that The Crescent is playing its cards very close to its chest and isn't going to reveal its hand in any kind of sudden, grand gesture. Even the end of the movie is open to several interpretations and if you're the sort of person who wants a explanation for all of the weirdness then you might be frustrated at where this ultimately goes (or doesn't go).

This is the kind of movie where it's entirely possible to just sit back and soak up the atmosphere - and I really enjoyed doing so - but I appreciate that this may not be enough for everyone. Vandersteen is excellent in the lead role and Graves is amazing. He's the focus of the movie for an unexpectedly large amount of time and he's never less than totally convincing so bravo, young sir.

The Crescent offsets its somewhat languid pace with its fine performances, arty visuals and agreeably tuned sense of creeping dread. There's much to admire but I was also struck by the thought that it would have also made a breathtaking short.

TIGERS ARE NOT AFRAID

After her mother is kidnapped by a drug cartel, 10-year-old Estrella (Paola Lara) falls in with the streetwise El Shine (Juan Ramón López) and his gang of orphans. Given three wishes, Estrella looks to use them for good but with a tide of violence threatening to engulf the city and a vicious drug lord in pursuit of the children those wishes don't quite have the consequences she'd expected...

An undoubted highlight of the festival, Issa López's film may invite comparisons to the work of Guillermo Del Toro but the fantasy elements in Tigers Are Not Afraid are not as pronounced and are never allowed to overwhelm the grimy, terrifying reality of the situation portrayed here.

An early sequence in which a class of kids press themselves to the floor as a gunfight rages on the streets outside is a masterclass in unbearable tension and unseen terror, setting out the movie's stall with consummate skill. You'll have few chances to breathe easily over the 83-minute running time and at the end of it all you may want to take a few quiet moments to appreciate fully this extraordinary movie. 

The performances of the child actors are nothing short of astonishing and they carry the movie with a confidence and magnetism which belies their years. The urban setting is a fascinating one, with rooftops, abandoned buildings and the darkest recesses of the city being played for both their magic and squalor. The scares are skilfully played, the emotional journey devastating.

A beautiful, brutal piece of cinema, this is essential viewing.

WOLFMAN'S GOT NARDS

Who remembers The Monster Squad? I certainly do. However, it appears as though many people out there don't, or at least didn't. André Gower's documentary traces the making of the film, its subsequent - and thoroughly undeserved - tanking at the box office, and its unexpected resurrection as an ever-growing bunch of fans championed the film (and continue to do so).

With contributions from the film-makers and the fans, Wolfman's Got Nards expertly balances anecdotes relating to the shooting of the original movie itself with a variety of vignettes featuring those for whom the 1987 monster mash holds a special place in their heart.

The subject matter would be more than interesting enough to work as a documentary on its own but where Wolfman's Got Nards truly scores is the unexpected emotional punch it packs, whether it's Fred Dekker musing with no little candour on the piece of work which severely damaged his career following its failure at the box office or the heartwarming stories of TMS' legion of fans both young and old.André

It's also pleasing to catch up with the Squad's cast as we follow them on a tour of the US (and beyond) to screenings of the film and their joy at being a part of what's clearly becoming a phenomenon genuinely comes across - they seem such a nice bunch I was left feeling glad that the world finally caught up and realised their horror film is not only terrific but appeals to all age groups. That's something worth celebrating.

Ultimately, it's a story of family (both that of The Monster Squad's cast/crew and the wider horror community), a tale of an injustice being righted - as the movie finally began to gain the traction which had eluded it for so long - and a timely reminder of just how bloody good The Monster Squad is. It fully deserves to be loved by an entirely new generation of viewers and Wolfman's Got Nards is the perfect companion piece.

Oh, by the way, I mentioned that the cast seemed such a nice bunch in an earlier paragraph. Well, André Gower - the director of Wolfman's Got Nards and Sean in The Monster Squad - was in attendance at Celluloid Screams and I don't really know how to break the news to you but...yes, he's a cool, smart, funny guy who happens to have been in a great horror movie and has now made a great documentary. Damn you, André.

WELLINGTON PARANORMAL

Since their appearance in What We Do In The Shadows, you might have been wondering exactly what Wellington Police Department Officers O'Leary (Karen O'Leary) and Minogue (Mike Minogue) have been doing. Wonder no longer as we discover they're, er, still with the Wellington Police Department and they're about to be assigned to the brand new, ever so hush-hush Paranormal Unit which has been set up by their Sergeant (Maaka Pohatu).

Over the course of six episodes we follow O'Leary and Minogue in documentary style as their investigations bring them face to face with demons, aliens, ghosts, werewolves, vampires, zombies and, most terrifying of all, clowns. It's all part of the job as they work the focal point of supernatural occurrences that is New Zealand's capital city.

This series is scheduled to be broadcast in the UK in 2019 and I would urge you to catch it because I don't remember laughing this much at anything in a very long time. There's an innate understanding of classic horror monsters and tropes at play here and this is used to mine the proceedings for maximum comedy effect.

The Law of Averages (and episodic television) would suggest that, out of the the six episodes which form Season One, there'd be a duff one among the bunch. Not the case here as the quality is ridiculously, consistently high. Each investigation is packed with laugh out loud moments and across the instalments there are some nicely played running gags, particularly one concerning the security systems which, er, "protect" the access to Sergeant Maaka's "secret office".

Of course, this wouldn't work quite as well if the two leads weren't so engaging. O'Leary and Minogue as, er, O'Leary and Minogue are bloody hilarious and their deadpan double act is an absolute joy. Even their most mundane exchanges are loaded with comic smarts to the point where there's a risk you might miss the odd gag because you're still laughing at the previous one.

The two stars were also in attendance - in character - at the Celluloid Screams screening to introduce their series and to provide assurance on the safety precautions which had been taken to ensure our safety. They also managed to weave in a brilliant joke about something which had happened during the screening of Halloween a couple of nights earlier and Officer O'Leary was on hand to helpfully explain the cuts to black which signalled the ad breaks.

Possibly the most fun I've ever had at a cinema screening, this was three hours (including Q&A session) of pure delight and the experience of being in a packed auditorium laughing themselves silly over and over again is something that will stay with me for a very long time. What else can I say about Wellington Paranormal but "more please". And it looks like there may very well be more, which is great news.

ASSASSINATION NATION

When a local politician's salacious online details are hacked, the small town of Salem is abuzz with gossip. Things take a much worse turn when all of the town's dirty secrets are leaked, leading to local girl Lily (Odessa Young) finding herself at the centre of the subsequent witch hunt (well, that's what happens when you live in Salem) and ending up in a fight for her very survival along with three of her friends...

Beginning with the Universal ident, I was ready for this to deliver a studio-neutered vision of mob violence, soft-pedalled vigilante justice and multiplex-friendly "abhorrent" behaviour. Boy, was I wrong. Assassination Nation pulls very few punches in its two-hour attack on what a bunch of preening, privileged, pathetic little pricks human beings can be.

Apart from one overly theatrical flounce out of the cinema (dramatically pronouncing the film to be "an abomination" - yeah yeah, wanting attention much?), the feeling after the screening was that a large proportion of the Celluloid Screams audience found this a gripping, confrontational experience.

Boasting a quartet of teenage female characters that actually feel like smart, rounded people rather than a collection of wisecracks and angst which just sounded good to the writer, Assassination Nation builds nicely, wisely saving its full tilt into gory horror for its third act when the shit really hits the fan and everyone gives full vent to their inner keyboard warrior.

The potential ills of social media may be something of a soft target but this film deals with the subject in an adept, fearless way, mixing its terror and suspense with a deliciously dark dash of comedy. It's bold, it's brash and it's rather brilliant.

YOU MIGHT BE THE KILLER (CELLULOID SCREAMS SECRET FILM)

Camp counsellor Sam (Fran Kranz) calls his good friend Chuck (Alyson Hannigan) with a doozy of a quandary. He has sketchy memories of the previous few hours and now there are murder victims littering the place. Chuck's knowledge of horror movies will come into play as she and Sam attempt to piece together what's been going on because at first glance it seems as if Sam might be the killer. Well, it is in the title, after all.

A deconstructed slasher film which begins near the end and then spends its 90 minutes filling the gaps in the plot's timeline in ways which are frequently non-linear, this has a fair amount of fun with its premise and it's crammed with amusing nods to the all-too-familiar tropes of the camp counsellor carnage flick.

It's also fun to see Alyson Hannigan back in the genre and, although she spends the movie dispensing advice over a phone line while wandering the one location in which she works, her performance is one of the film's strengths. As the sweet but fiercely logical voice of reason, Chuck attempts to keep Sam on the rails as his situation goes from bad to worse.

In the final analysis, YMBTK doesn't turn out to anywhere near as groundbreaking as the early action may hint at but it's an amusing, gory, entertaining romp which didn't outstay its welcome and had me leaving cinema with a smile on my face. Which can't be a bad thing.

CELLULOID SCREAMS 2018: DAY TWO

After Day One's mixture of Cage rage and Michael Myers mayhem, what did Day Two have in store for the Celluloid Screams crowd? Read on...


WHAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE

Loved-up couple Jackie (Hannah Emily Anderson) and Jules (Brittany Allen) head out to a remote woodland location to celebrate their first wedding anniversary and all is going swimmingly until a visitor unwittingly lets slip a piece of information about Jackie which will have Jules questioning everything she knows - or thinks she knows - about her wife...

I've been careful to say as little as I can about the plot because the less you know going into What Keeps You Alive the more you'll enjoy it. Just over 20 minutes in there's a breathtaking surprise in store (I think most of the Celluloid Screams audience had the same "WTF?" reaction I had) and from there on it's fun to just roll with the story to see exactly where it heads next.

Strong performances from Anderson and Allen (both excellent in very different ways, but I can't tell you what those ways are) anchor the somewhat outlandish cirumstances to a bedrock of chilling plausibility, not to mention keeping the tension simmering nicely. There's also plenty of cracking, darkly comic dialogue to be savoured. I just can't tell you what that is for fear of giving something, anything away.

Writer/director Colin Minihan piles on the twists and turns to such an extent that by the end you might feel it's possibly taken one or two too many plot swerves but that's a very minor gripe about a film which confidently raises the suspense stakes time after time. See it and be thoroughly entertained by all of the things I can't tell you about in this mini-review, then you'll know exactly why I'm being so frustratingly light on detail here.

You're getting no more from me on this subject. Go watch.


KNIFE + HEART

Gay porn film producer Anne (Vanessa Paradis) is having relationship trouble with her editor/lover Loïs (Kate Moran) but that's nothing compared to trouble she's about to face when one of her actors is brutally murdered. Using the ongoing police investigation as the inspiration to make a more ambitious adult movie, Anne is fully aware that everyone is a potential suspect or victim as the masked murderer sets about making their own cuts to those involved...

Knife+Heart's refreshingly different setting provides the perfect backdrop to a stylish, giallo-inflected treat, packed with extravagant characters and lurid killings, all sumptuously filmed in gorgeous 35mm, its musical heart driven by a pounding M83 synth score. Paradis is excellent in a complex role and the film-within-a-film's cast are brought to flamboyant life, particularly Nicolas Maury as the sympathetic but no-nonsense Archibald.

The third act, true to the classic examples of the subgenre, dials up the weirdness even more as the killer's background and motives are slowly revealed, culiminating in their attempt to complete their peculiar plan at a cinema where Anne is watching one of her previous productions.

To say I'm a giallo fan is something of an understatement so Un Couteau Dans Le Coeur (to use its French title) was high on my list of must-sees at the festival and it did not disappoint in the slightest. All the elements are present and correct - psychological horror, dreamy interludes, graphic bloodshed and sexploitation - and these seem to be more at home than ever in the close-knit community portrayed here.

The sexuality of the characters is not a big deal here, thank goodness. Yes, I did notice a comment on social media referring to the number of blowjobs in this film but a) they're tastefully framed, b) they're filming an adult movie, that kind of thing is going to happen and c) they're so incidental to the story that I'm not sure why anyone would focus on them. This is a deftly crafted, naturalistic portrayal of the dynamics between a group of LGBT people who just happen to be making porn. Some of us need to grow the fuck up and appreciate the view from elsewhere.

Okay, lecture over. Knife+Heart is beautiful, bloody and brilliant. It has the brutal murders and all of the strangeness you'd expect but it also possesses real warmth and heart plus a welcome dash of intentional comedy. How could you not embrace something that has a character called the Mouth Of Gold?


NIGHTMARE CINEMA

Five people (well, six to be totally accurate as one segment features a couple) wander into a spooky theatre and, once inside, they're each treated to a short movie they probably weren't expecting. The film they're watching features themselves in a tale of terror and chances are it's not going to be "the feelgood movie of the year"...

As a fan of portmanteau movies - especially the Amicus ones such as Asylum and Tales From The Crypt - and with knowledge of the remarkable directorial talent involved I have to admit that I went into this one secretly hoping that it would be great. Unfortunately, I came out of it feeling more than a little deflated.

As with any example of this type, the individual segments should take different approaches (which they do) which means they'll land in different ways (which they do) and as long as the hit-to-miss ratio is acceptably high I don't see how that's an issue. I really didn't expect five classics and nor should I have. Here, out of the five stories, I really enjoyed one, liked one, tried hard to like one but couldn't quite manage to and didn't really care about the other two.

Yes, there's gore aplenty and although there are a number of intriguing ideas bubbling under the surface these take flight very rarely, which means that a particular story ends up going absolutely nowhere, another stops pretty much dead with little revelation while another falls back on having a lot of people meeting bloody ends.

Also, the overarching device - involving Mickey Rourke as the projectionist of the titular theatre - is frustratingly underdeveloped and I would have liked his character to have been fleshed out a little more. Well, make that fleshed out at all. The potential to showcase a great character is pretty much thrown away as all he really ends up doing is pointing out to each unfortunate cinemagoer just how screwed they are.

I wanted to love this so much and it's incredibly frustrating to me that I didn't (judging by the chatter after the screening I'm sure many people rated it highly). I still think there's mileage in the concept though and despite the fact that this missed the mark for me I'm not averse to a Nightmare Cinema 2 with new stories and directors.

CELLULOID SCREAMS 2018: DAY ONE

Celebrating its 10th Edition with a four-day fest instead of the usual three, Celluloid Screams took up its usual residence at the Showroom Cinema in Sheffield with some bold programming choices in its varied slate of films, the showcasing of a hilarious new TV series and an after party which literally refused to quit. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's rewind all the way back to Day One which featured two eagerly anticipated movies...

MANDY

Lumberjack Red (Nicolas Cage) is living the quiet life in the wilderness with his bookish, rock chick partner Mandy (Andrea Riseborough) when their idyll is shattered by the arrival of a crazed hippie cult led by the creepy Jeremiah Sand (Linus Roache). Suffice to say some very bad things happen, leading Red down a path of bloody, surreal vengeance...

Re-tooling the revenge flick as a vivid, trippy, retina-scorching nightmare, Panos Cosmatos' debut feature will no doubt alienate as many as it impresses. The deliberately slow build of a first half gives way to a gore-splattered, unfettered riot of a second as Cage takes on LSD-addled bikers from Hell and eventually the cult itself.

It would be easy to focus on Nic going full Cage here but that would be to detract from what is essentially a, ahem, knowing (sorry) and enjoyable performance. Riseborough is, as always, terrific as the bookish, rock chick title character and although Roache's villain has shades of the pantomime baddie he also manages to unnerve and disturb, his performance matching perfectly with the quite frankly batshit crazy things going on here.

The film also looks beautiful, full of wonderfully conceived visions of tranquillity and purgatory. It seems something of a cliché to call this an assault on the senses but that's exactly what it is and some viewers may not stay the distance because of the unrelenting visual and auditory pounding it dishes out. This is an immersive, impressive headf**k, it's off-kilter off the scale and I loved it to bits.

HALLOWEEN

Retconning the Halloween tale so that the story picks up 40 years on from the events of the original movie, Michael Myers escapes during a patient transfer between psychiatric facilities and, after bumping off a few unfortunates who happen to cross his path, he dons the Shatner mask once more and heads back to Haddonfield to confront old foe Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis - I'm pretty sure you didn't need me to point this out).

So, as one of the most anticipated horror sequels for some time, does the 2018 incarnation of Halloween measure up? Well, yes and no. There are some lovely touches, such as the use of the classic theme and a smattering of neatly deployed, pleasing callbacks to the original. Even the opening titles are smart as the pumpkin is quite literally resurrected.

The suspense is competently cranked up too, resisting the temptation to throw in too many fake jump scares (although there are a couple just to keep you on your toes). Michael Myers is a scary enough character to generate tension just by the fact that he's lurking in the background somewhere and the makers of H2018 know this.

The kills are plentiful and surprisingly brutal but this isn't an enterprise which wallows in its gore. It earns its 18 certificate, don't get me wrong, but it isn't a movie which is keen to rub its viewers faces in bloodied viscera and the on- and off-screen murders are balanced rather well.

Unsurprisingly, Jamie Lee Curtis is great and the movie lights up whenever she's on screen. Even a few tired character developments - including the fact that Laurie Strode is now something of a recluse and also has an alcohol problem - don't get in the way as much as they could because Curtis has the presence and the skill as an actress to transcend all of that. It's testament to her performance that, when she's sidelined for a while - to allow new characters to be woven in the plot - you can't wait for her to show up again.

Where the film is less successful is in its introduction of those new characters such as Laurie's daughter Karen, played by Judy Greer. This isn't Greer's fault at all - she's saddled with an underwritten character whose chief role is to be exasperated at the "survive at all costs" mentality of Laurie. There's also a "new Loomis" played by Haluk Bilginer who's actually referred to as "the new Loomis" and who provides the film with an especially clunky left-turn towards the end.

Halloween 2018 isn't the train wreck I feared it would be, nor is it the game changer it could have been. Let's face it, it would have had to go some in order to better Carpenter's landmark of the genre but it's an efficient, enjoyable follow-up that's likely to satisfy a large proportion of horror fans. It's also some way better than most of the sequels (which now exist in a parallel universe as a result of this follow-up).

MILE 22

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Iko Uwais, Lauren Cohan
Writer: Lea Carpenter 
Director: Peter Berg

James Silva (Wahlberg), part of an elite CIA unit called Overwatch, is tasked with locating a missing shipment of caesium before it can be weaponised and used to kill many thousands of people. Indonesian police officer LI Noor (Uwais) turns himself into the American Embassy claiming to know where the caesium is and he'll make that information known if he can be given safe passage out of the country. Of course, there are various other interested factions who want to stop this from happening...

On the face of it, Mile 22 is a complex, high-tech espionage thriller with a side order of gunfire and martial arts mayhem, marshalled by a director and star whose previous team-ups have proven their chops with both military manouevres (Lone Survivor) and steadily-wound, reality-grounded suspense (Deepwater Horizon). In actuality, however, it's a bit of a mess. No, make that a lot of a mess.

There are numerous moments in both plot and action where it's difficult to know exactly what the hell is going on. Don't get me wrong, I love not knowing where a story is going next but not actually knowing if I'd missed the previous five minutes is just confusing. I looked around the cinema, hoping to catch the gaze of someone else in the audience so I could mouth the words "Do you know what's happening?" but I had no such luck.

The action sequences are edited in such a twitchy manner that the shootouts are robbed of any tension because half of the time you're not sure where anyone is and which person is opening fire on who or what. Worst of all, the major fight in the flick which involves Iko Uwais constantly changes angles - even switching to a view from a security camera - so all you're left with is a headache rather than an adrenaline buzz.

Also, if you're going to cast Ronda Rousey in a film, I expect to be treated to at least one sequence in which she kicks someone's ass into the middle of next week. Yes, it was a surprise that this didn't happen and I accept that this played against my expectations of how her character arc played out. But she's cast as a bad ass, so would it have been so terrible to give her a moment in which she was allowed to give full vent to her undoubted badassery?

A lot of the above could be mitigated to some degree if the characters were engaging but unfortunately they're some of the grumpiest, downright unpleasant people you'll ever spend ninety minutes with. I'm fine that the CIA's top operatives aren't sweetness and light but this bunch are so aggressively horrible to both their enemies and each other that by about half an hour in I was finding it very difficult to care about them. Or anyone else for that matter.

Which brings me to Lauren Cohan. Loved her in both The Walking Dead and The Boy. Here she's handed one of the most exhaustingly depressing characters in movie history. As Silva's second in command Alex, she's usually being told how terrible her informants are and how she can't really do her job properly. Of course, this is just tough love from Silva who's only pretending to be an arsehole to give Alice extra motivation.

Except this isn't true because Silva is a total arsehole, taking a break from said arsehole behaviour only when he decides it's time to be a massive dickhead to all and sundry. Of course, this is because Silva was a gifted kid who had a rough childhood and grew up to be a tactical genius and yes, he might be on the spectrum but dammit! He's the best damned guy they've got. He's just a massive dickhead, that's all.

Anyway, not only does Alice have to contend with the tantrums of Massive Dickhead, she's also got problems with her ex and her globe-trotting job is seriously getting in the way of spending any time with her kid. Cue awkward phone conversations about access when Silva wants Alice to be leaning on Li Noor and/or thinking how about many people she might have to kill to complete the mission.

Likewise with the Indonesian security, headed by Sam Medina as yet another instantly angry and dislikeable sort. He's there to butt heads with Wahlberg and set up the series of chases and gunfights which make up the bulk of the second half. This also leads to a climactic stand-off between the two which redefines the word "disappointing".

Elsewhere, there's a team of Russians monitoring the ongoing action but they're given such scant attention by the story that it's difficult to buy into them as the nominal bad guys or understand their motivation although the story keeps returning to them just a tad too much for them to be a sideshow and a third act reveal lifts the lid on exactly why they're so interested in the mission. It's plausible enough, it ties in well with the earlier events of the plot - and closes the movie on a note that's slightly unexpected - but as with so much about this movie it's vaguely sour and leaves the viewer wondering what the point of the whole thing was.

Unfortunately, Mile 22 isn't worth the trip. The journey is frustratingly lacklustre and the destination is disappointing.

SLENDER MAN

Starring: Joey King, Julia Goldani Telles, Jaz Sinclair
Writer: David Birke
Director: Sylvain White

Four teenage friends interested in the urban legend of the Slender Man decide to participate in a ritual which will supposedly summon him. A week later, one of them disappears and it becomes apparent that she wanted the Slender Man to take her, leaving the remaining three with the task of somehow getting her back...

To say Slender Man was a troubled production is probably something of an understatement. With its featured mythical character previously cited as the motivation for a particularly brutal stabbing committed by two 12-year-old girls in Wisconsin, maybe it wasn't the greatest idea to push on with the movie it but here it is, sneaking out almost apologetically with few trailers, scant publicity and reports of a studio who had shown little or no support for the project.

To add to this, Screen Gems had insisted on a lower, more teen-friendly rating for the movie, the original script underwent radical changes and several scenes were removed over fear of viewer backlash had they been left in the completed product. Is there any way that the movie could somehow transcend all of these things and end up being surprisingly brilliant?

Absolutely not is the short answer.

Slender Man is a total mess from start to finish. The changes to the story are also writ large upon the screen as plot threads are picked up and then dropped unceremoniously, characters - even major ones - drift in and out of the proceedings seemingly at random and the tone is uncertain throughout. The dialogue is often dreadful, most of it being of the type that would only ever be said by teenagers in a movie. 

The powers of the Slender Man are dealt with somewhat inconsistently, setting him up as an entity who can bend reality and take whoever has invoked a connection with him but then having him not do that very thing on several occasions where he quite easily could have. He's unstoppable but this only seems to apply to those moments where the plot requires him to be.

Worse still, it's not scary in the slightest. The Slender Man himself may be an interesting creation but he doesn't generate the necessary dread and the film relies instead on a tiresome series of mechanical jump scares which even the most casual horror fan will consider hackneyed.

Visually it's one of the least inspiring fright flicks of late, its washed-out palette never catching the eye. Even the Slender Man's forest domain, with its tentacle-style branches, comes over as something that's been done before, many times, in much more impressive fashion. Elsewhere, the by-the-numbers camerawork doesn't immerse the viewer in the situation one little bit.

The performances are.....well, you know what? The performances are actually the best thing about this whole sorry business. Despite the utterly inane lines they're saddled with for most of the running time, Slender Man's young leads are all rather watchable, Julia Goldani Telles being the pick of the bunch.

Flat, suspenseless and remarkably dull, Slender Man makes 93 minutes feel like an eternity and for me it's the worst mainstream horror release in a very long time. Its talented cast deserves so much better. Chances of this film getting a sequel? Slender, I think.

UNFRIENDED: DARK WEB

Starring: Colin Woodell, Rebecca Rittenhouse, Betty Gabriel

Writer: Stephen Susco

Director: Stephen Susco

After an amusing opening sequence in which an unseen user attempts to log in to a computer with a series of passwords - some all too familiar, some obscurely rude - we then see the webcam become active and discover said user is Matias (Woodell) who is glad that his new laptop is way better than the previous "piece of crap" he had, mostly because he can continue working on an app he's been developing which will help him communicate better with deaf girlfriend Amaya (Stephanie Nogueras).

Setting up a game night (which was apparently the working title of this flick and I'm guessing was ditched when the Bateman/McAdams comedy/thriller of the same name got there first) on Skype with a group of his friends, Matias is also trying to smooth things out with Amaya as their relationship has hit a rocky patch partly because he isn't really committing to learning sign language.

Things, however, are going to get a lot whole worse than a potential break-up when Matias starts to receive strange messages directed at the previous owner of the laptop and it's not long before the previous owner of the laptop themselves gets in touch to say that it was stolen from them and they really want it back. Now don't you go hunting around that hard drive, Matias...whoops, too late...

I'm not going to give any more away of Dark Web because it heads off in some creepy and interesting directions which may not exactly be groundbreaking in terms of the horror genre but provide some solid chills and a couple of satisfying twists as Matias, his friends and even Amaya inevitably find themselves in danger.

The format is very much that of the original Unfriended, with Messenger conversations aplenty and characters appearing on - and occasionally disappearing from - video chat screens. There's buffering - referred to at one point as "the beach ball of death" - as the technology grinds to a halt, image resolutions break down, there's handy interference which obscures potentially awful things which may or may not be about to happen. In short, the usual ticks and tropes of social media which were exploited fairly well by the original movie.

Dark Web uses all of the above but also layers in an old school bulletin board which has a background animation straight from a level of the first release of Doom and then heads to the other end of the tech spectrum by including a subplot about a cryptocurrency account. These touches are smart without being smart-arsed.

Director (and writer) Stephen Susco is confident enough in the material not to play it for cheap scares, choosing instead to build the suspense slowly and carefully so that by act three the tension has ratcheted up to a genuinely impressive level. Placing each of the characters in their own window heightens the claustrophobia, as well as giving us just enough of their surroundings in the background to familiarise ourselves with their locations but not quite enough to see what might be lurking outside the view of the webcam.

It's probably not too much of a spoiler to reveal that people die in this one. And without reverting to gratuitous gore, what cruel, nasty deaths they are, ushered in by means of a hacked history of the poor victim's online highlights before their fate is engineered in a suitably awful manner. This both sets up the viewer for the kill scene and sets them on edge as to how it will play out.

Assured and accomplished, Unfriended: Dark Web may not ultimately trouble anyone's all-time list of horror highs but it delivers its chills in an efficient, enjoyable, entertaining manner and has no qualms about dispatching characters it's taken the trouble to make you care about. Definitely worth making the connection.