REMNANT

Starring: Lucy Goldie, Nicholas Burman-Vince
Writer: Andy Stewart
Director: Andy Stewart

In the early days of this blog I waxed lyrical about Glaswegian director Andy Stewart's wonderfully disturbing trilogy of short movies - Dysmorphia, Split and Ink - each with a body horror theme. The good news is that he's back with a new short film which still gives a sizeable tip of the hat to the body horror subgenre but throws in a few new and welcome surprises.

Firstly, let's deal with the amount of gore in Remnant. If you've seen the movies mentioned above then you'll more than likely be preparing yourself to be swimming in the stuff by the time the end credits roll. Well, I can categorically state that there isn't any. Yes, that's right - it's an Andy Stewart film with no gore. Intrigued? You should be.

Although none of Stewart's previous work ever fell back on the carnage, using it instead to give a dash of extra colour (most of it blood red or pus green, it has to be said) to the proceedings, this film has none of the show-stopping grue of its predecessors which always made me a) recoil in disgust and b) think "Well, okay, you got me" immediately afterwards. Remnant's tactics are more refined but no less effective. Don't be thinking Stewart's gone all commercial and soft-pedalled the terror though - he hasn't.

So, down to the plot, which follows office worker Claire (Goldie) who is plagued with increasingly disturbing visions as she struggles initially to sleep and subsequently to hold on to her very sanity. As Claire's ability to do her job properly suffers, her boss Ian (Burman-Vince) becomes increasingly concerned about her well-being but is there anything he, or indeed Claire herself, can do?

Gorehounds take note: this is still an Andy Stewart film. Just because characters don't hack off bits of themselves or ooze gunk from every orifice doesn't mean that you won't enjoy this. There are a number of reasons why you should see this post haste. Topping the list is an utterly astonishing performance from Lucy Goldie as Claire. Never less than a hundred per cent believable as our heroine, we feel for her as she breaks down in front of her colleagues, we worry for her as she is confronted by dreadful visions, we share her confusion as she tries to separate fantasy from reality.

In a role that could have been turned into shrieking hysteria in the hands of others, Goldie gives us a marvellously rounded portrayal of an ordinary person dealing with extraordinary circumstances. And, of course, there's Hellraiser alumnus Burman-Vince giving reliably strong support in the smaller role of Ian.

Remnant is also beautifully shot, capturing the strange, otherworldly haze of Claire's visions perfectly, simultaneously enticing and sinister. Just watch for the sequence with the feathers and tell me that horror movie directors don't understand what art is. Allied to the mind-bending visual hit is spot-on sound design, the creepy audio effects adding to the general feeling of unease.

Is this another Ink? No, it isn't, and nor should it be. Remnant treads a different path and showers of gore would have been superfluous here. This is all about the atmosphere and this short film delivers it in spades, culminating in a resolution that's all the more terrifying because it plays upon a real fear (of course, I'm not going to reveal what that fear is). The combination of uncanny shocks in a commonplace setting is a winner, enhancing the claustrophobic tension as both Claire and the audience are presented with the prospect that there genuinely could be no way out of the situation. Is there? Come on, do you think I'd give that away?

So, there you have it: a goreless Andy Stewart film, which I have to admit was something of a surprise. What isn't a surprise is that it's delivered with all the deftness and panache I'd expected and it stands up well to repeat viewings (I've seen it three times now). I was taken in totally by its subtle, skin-crawling scares and in Lucy Goldie it has an acting talent to watch with some interest.

CELLULOID SCREAMS 2015: DAY THREE

Two days down, one to go. Did the third and final day of feature films at Celluloid Screams 2015 deliver the gory, glorious, giallo-rific goods? Read on...


EMELIE

Day Three began with Michael Thelin's "bad babysitter" movie starring Sarah Bolger as perhaps the last person you'd want to leave in charge of your kids (although, of course, the parents have no idea what's about to go down at the beginning of the movie). What starts as an adventure for the children at being told the usual boundaries don't apply soon spirals into something rather more sinister and after a chilling bit of business involving a family pet we're left wondering exactly how unhinged Bolger's character is and how she came to be that way.

While this is not going to win any points in terms of breathtaking originality it's eminently watchable, entertaining fare with good performances from not only Bolger herself but the child actors in the cast, notably Joshua Rush as Jacob, the oldest of the kids and the one who realises that it may be up to him to save the day. It also scores points in taking a scenario that could have been an excuse for a tedious succession of contrived jump scares and instead playing up the unsettling atmosphere.

SCARED SAFE

Beginning with a familiar looking countdown which graced a whole era of ITV's Schools and Colleges programming (as you can see above), Scared Safe was a collection of vintage Public Information Films curated by the Celluloid Screams team themselves. Somehow grim and shamefully funny at the same time, we were treated to such highlights as the cover-your-eyes (and ears) 70s stylings of Never Go With Strangers, complete with its game of "spot the paedophile" as various archetypes of the era were shown sitting on a park bench one after the other, including one bloke who seemed to have stolen some of the wardrobe from one of the pimp characters in a Pam Grier movie. The conclusion from this one: some people are "odd in the head". Their words, not mine.

Elsewhere, several Protect and Survive films showed just how easy it is to survive a nuclear blast with the correct preparation and dished out several handy hints on what to do with dead bodies in your fallout shelter. The compilation also featured The Finishing Line, a British Transport movie showing the dangers of playing near railway lines by means of a school sports day where the events were running across the line, walking through tunnels etc. It ended with an enormous body count and the sight of youthful corpses being lined up. You'd never get away with re-making that today.

In addition, there were electrocutions, people coming to grief on polished floors, prams falling over in a Edvard Munch-style tableau and my personal favourite The Spirit Of Dark And Lonely Water, luring unsuspecting kids to a ghastly aquatic death and promising that he'd be "back-ack-ack-ack-ack....". As if this wasn't enough, to the delight of much of the audience, a certain "scary picture" from the brilliant Look Around You (and also the hilarious Serafinowicz/Popper short Intermission) made an unexpected appearance. You know the one:

THE CORPSE OF ANNA FRITZ

Predicted to be the Celluloid Screams screening that would see the most walkouts, this Spanish movie sets out its stall within the first few minutes - famous actress and media darling Anna Fritz (Alba Ribas) dies and is brought into the morgue where hospital orderly Pau (Albert Carbó) works. Pau's mates Ivan (Cristin Valencia) and Javi (Bernatt Samuel) convince him to allow them into the morgue where they can - let's be honest - ogle a dead celebrity. Here things take a pretty revolting turn as Ivan and Pau decide that this is an opportunity to have sex with one of the most well-known people on the planet. Well, you know, it's a horror movie...

...and this is the point at which the urge to leave the cinema was at its strongest, director Hèctor Hernández Vicens giving us a button-pushing, almost unwatchably vile opening act, its effect only slightly diminished by the clean, glossy cinematography which puts a tiny but crucial amount of distance between the audience and what's happening on the screen. It's still bloody difficult to watch though, be warned.

From here the plot takes an unexpected turn and TCOAF moves into more conventional suspense thriller territory, which should provide relief for most of its viewers (unless you were expecting it to riff on something like Nekromantik, in which case I'll tell you right now - it doesn't). Although the characters slot into particular archetypes of the horror/thriller the performances serve the story in an efficient way and Hèctor Hernández Vicens wrings every last drop of suspense out of its limited plot and locations. In the final analysis, this movie isn't what it could have been given its subject matter - whether that's a good or bad thing is up to you.

DEATHGASM

After the grim goings-on of Anna Fritz, some light relief was needed and Jason Lei Howden's Deathgasm was just the ticket. Downtrodden heavy metal fan Brodie (Milo Cawthorne) discovers a piece of music called The Black Hymn which could give him the power to solve his problems and succeed in his romantic aspirations regarding the lovely Medina (Kimberley Crossman). What he doesn't count on is the Hymn turning most of the inhabitants of his small town into demons, which he must then battle using the power of metal - and anything else that's handy as a weapon.

With its playful skewering of heavy rock culture, a clutch of smart one-liners and with classic gorefests such as Evil Dead and Braindead as its template, Deathgasm is a lot of fun and the running time is short enough to ensure that it doesn't outstay its welcome. Yes, the odd gag is somewhat laboured (did we have to see a slow-motion dildo attack so many times?) but the splattery set-pieces are mounted with so much glee that it seems churlish to be too negative. Deathgasm may not linger too long in the memory but it's an enjoyable, gruesome romp that wears his heart (and influences) on its bloody sleeve.

Death to false metal!

PROFONDO ROSSO

And so to the final movie of the festival, a screening of Dario Argento's classic 1975 giallo starring David Hemmings as Marc, a pianist who witnesses a murder and then resolves to find the killer with the help of sassy journalist Gianna, played by Daria Nicolodi. I'll fess up here, I'm totally in love with Daria Nicolodi in this movie, I love the bizarre plot, I love the prowling camerawork, I love the striking set-piece killings. I even love the running gag about Gianna's beat-up Fiat 500. How could this movie get any better?

By having Claudio Simonetti's Goblin in the cinema, performing a live rescore of the music, that's how. The wall of sound that pushed itself to the back of the cinema as the main theme music kicked in was nothing short of astounding and as an enhanced Argento-viewing experience I can't see how it could be beaten. How could the end of the festival get any better?

By having Goblin then play a set which began with the opening title music from Demons - which is one of my all-time favourites and turned me into a gibbering fanboy hearing it played live - and then gave us choice cuts from Dawn Of The Dead, Suspiria, Tenebrae and Phenomena. It was a phenomenal end to an amazing three days of mayhem and madness.

A massive thank you to Robert Nevitt (Festival Director), Polly Allen (Festival Programmer), Sarah Williamson (Festival Programmer) and all of the volunteers who make Celluloid Screams such a joy to keep coming back to year after year. If you haven't experienced this amazing weekend for yourself, Celluloid Screams will be back in 2016. Keep Friday 21st October to Sunday 23rd October free and be ready to get your tickets. Oh, and you'll need the Monday off as well. That's all I'm saying.


Follow me on Twitter: @darren_gaskell

CELLULOID SCREAMS 2015: DAY TWO

So I got through Day One of Celluloid Screams 2015 relatively unscathed (although still unsure about what to make of Yakuza Apocalypse). How did the feature films of Day Two pan out? Read on to find out...


THEY LOOK LIKE PEOPLE

Day Two's opening flick was Perry Blackshear's impressive tale of claustrophobic paranoia on a microbudget. Christian (Evan Dumouchel) bumps into old friend Wyatt (MacLeod Andrews) and, even though Wyatt doesn't seem keen to put down any roots, Christian persuades him to stay for a while.

It's established early on that Christian "isn't the guy he was ten years ago" and he's keen to impress all those around him, working hard and psyching himself up by listening to a friendly, motivational voice on his media player in. Wyatt, on the other hand, is withdrawn, edgy and socially awkward. Turns out that Wyatt is receiving messages from voices too but they're on the end of a phone, telling him that people are turning into evil creatures and, as one of the chosen ones, he needs to prepare for battle. Are the voices real and, if so, can he save Christian as well as himself?

This is a fine example of how much can be achieved for a budget that was probably far less than a day's catering bill for a big studio blockbuster. It's a triumph of on-the-nose scriptwriting coupled with an eerie, unnerving atmosphere and I was gripped throughout. The dialogue between the leads is never less than convincing, whether they're having drunken, late-night conversations about any old rubbish or confronting potentially life-changing situations. The sound design is worthy of praise too, the insistent ticking of a clock or a swarm of bees used to ratchet up the tension.

The final quarter of an hour is one of the most tautly-wound I've experienced in a long while, building to a crescendo which I suspect had most of the audience holding their breath. I'll happily admit that I was genuinely, deeply scared - bravo, Mr. Blackshear. In short, TLLP combines expertly-crafted chills with an affecting storyline and I urge you to seek it out.

HE NEVER DIED

My favourite film of the whole festival starred Henry Rollins as Jack, a man who's been around for a long time. And I mean a long time (he missed the American Civil War but only because he was in Rome at the time). You'd think that immortality would be a blast but he's thoroughly fed up of it all, whiling away his days sleeping, watching mindless television shows, playing bingo at his local church and frequenting the nearby diner where there may be a hint of romance in the air with waitress Cara (Kate Greenhouse). Well, there might be if Jack wasn't so closed off and grumpy all of the time.

Comedy horror is notoriously difficult to get right but when the combination clicks into place you're rewarded with something as wonderful as He Never Died. The laughs are never unintentional, the horror is sufficiently nasty and one never undermines the other. Rollins is so good as Jack I was left wondering how close to the character he is in real life - okay, so the guy isn't immortal (well, as far as I know he isn't) but when Jack reels off a long, long list of the jobs he's had up to that point in his life it seems as though Rollins himself may also have had that amount of life experience.

Smart, wryly amusing, bloody fun with tons of quotable dialogue, pleasing performances across the board and a refusal to twist the plot in knots just to give everyone a happy ending (although the climax isn't nearly as grim as it might have been), He Never Died is fresh, entertaining, essential viewing with Henry Rollins' hilariously, reluctantly lethal curmudgeon staking a claim for one of the most memorable characters in recent horror cinema.

EXCESS FLESH

And from my favourite of the festival to the only movie in the festival I thoroughly disliked, a problematic tale of two roommates trying to make it in Los Angeles. Jennifer (Mary Loveless) is a super-thin, successful model and Jill (Bethany Orr) is not so thin and not so successful. The growing tension between the two women leads to Jill imprisoning Jennifer in their apartment in a thoroughly misguided attempt to salvage their friendship.

This reminded me, in tone at least, of Starry Eyes, which played at Celluloid Screams 2014 and which stuck the boot into the LA acting scene where Excess Flesh sets its sights on the modelling industry (again, LA-based). However, where Starry Eyes largely succeeded in its portrayal of a young actress who will stop at nothing to get what she wants, Excess Flesh trots out a bunch of tired old cliches about the idea of beauty and how women are jealous creatures who are generally horrible to each other.

Its portrayal of eating disorders, to me at least, was offensive and trivialised a very serious issue. If you want to see women forcing themselves to be sick or chewing food just to spit it out, there's an awful lot of that going on here - too much for it to be genuinely effective. There were a number of walkouts during this screening - having talked to a few of the people who did leave some said it was because of the offence caused but others were just bored by its thuddingly repetitive nature. I stuck it out to the end and I'm glad I did if only to have it confirmed that Excess Flesh improved not one jot as it lumbered along. The final moments, complete with eye-rollingly clumsy twist, were just as awkwardly wrought as anything that came before.

THESE FINAL HOURS

A 2013 screening at Cannes, this Aussie end of the world drama finally made it to Celluloid Screams and yes, it was worth the wait. A meteor is about to hit the Earth and destroy mankind but before that happens the hedonistic James (Nathan Phillips) is driving to the party that will end all parties, ready to go out in a blaze of dance music, drink and drugs. That is, until he finds himself in a situation which ends with him saving the life of a young girl called Rose (Angourie Rice) who is trying to find her father. Now he has both a passenger and a dilemma...

Although this apocalyptic drama has many of the elements you'd associate with this type of movie (murderous types roaming the streets, wrecked cars everywhere, buildings on fire and so on) it doesn't overdo it with the tropes and instead it packs an unexpected emotional wallop as James spends more time with Rose and comes to re-evaluate his priorities on his final day on the planet. Thanks, Celluloid Screams, for programming a movie which made me sob uncontrollably through its last ten minutes.

THE WITCH

A real coup for the festival, Robert Eggers' folktale of a family banished to the wilderness in 17th century New England was certainly the subject of much pre-screening chatter and not just for the security surrounding its screening. It was also a chance to see a movie which had already generated its fair share of positive buzz and, as of this moment, isn't currently slated for a wider UK release until March 2016. Unsurprisingly the screening was sold out, but was it a mass crowd pleaser?

Considering the movie won the Audience Award for the Best Film of the Festival, I'd guess that the answer had to be yes. And yet it's another slow-burner, eschewing jump scares for an air of almost constant dread and bravely keeping its gore to a minimum. The dialogue of the period, replete with its use of "thee", "thy" and "thou", takes a little while to get used to but it adds to the overall feel of the piece, as do the olde-worlde motivations and superstitions of the various characters.

If you can banish thoughts of the numerous ads to which he lends his voice, Ralph Ineson is terrific as the father, frustrated in his efforts to build a better life for his family but possessing unshakeable faith that God will provide despite their trials and tribulations in an inhospitable environment. Kate Dickie lends fine support as his wife, her character developing more in the movie's second half as the plot attempts to unravel the tightly-knit family unit by putting them (and the audience) through the psychological wringer.

Stealing the movie for me, however, is Anya Taylor-Joy as eldest daughter Thomasin, who is blamed for the supernatural wrongdoings and whose performance is finely tuned to say the least. You feel there's always something behind her eyes but it's tantalisingly out of reach so you're left with no clue as to whether she's victim or villain. Ms Taylor-Joy is certainly a name for the future.

Robert Eggers has crafted a movie which, although bearing the Universal banner, has not been made with universal appeal in mind. He's told the story he wants to tell, in a very specific style, incredibly well, with moments of stunning imagery and a subtly nerve-jangling undercurrent of tension which runs throughout.


DARLING

Every year Celluloid Screams deems one feature the "Secret Film", so you have absolutely no idea what you're going to be watching until you're in the cinema and it's about to begin. This year's Secret Film, as a filmed introduction by lead actress Lauren Ashley Carter revealed, was Mickey Keating's Darling, all about a young woman invited to house-sit a place with a haunted history.

Not for the first time in Celluloid Screams 2015, this was a movie which divided the audience and quite a few people seemed to think it was arty, pretentious cobblers with no real drive to the plot. Although I can see where people were coming from when they said it was all style and no substance, when there's this much style I'm willing to overlook the substance.

Shot in black and white with several long, dialogue-free sequences featuring only the main character exploring her spooky new digs, this is a movie that's unlikely to play well in multiplexes. If you're clamouring for a high body count, you ain't going to get it. It's a film with an atmosphere that demands to be soaked up and for me the tension dripped from the screen, horror clichés such as a slow creep down a corridor towards a closed door given a fresh and terrifying dimension.

Which brings me to the best thing about Darling, which is Lauren Ashley Carter, putting in an absolutely incredible performance as the lead. The sheer range of emotions that play across her face are amazing and she totally commands the screen. For anyone that thinks horror movies don't attract a high calibre of acting talent, point them in the direction of this. Is Lauren Ashley Carter's the horror genre's Audrey Hepburn? It's not an unjustifiable claim, especially on the evidence here.

And with that Day Two came to a close. Well, it did for those of us who couldn't face the all-nighter of four classic horror flicks but wanted to get a good night's sleep to ensure they were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for Day Three.

Okay, you got me, I stayed in the bar until 4am (5am if you count the extra hour we gained from putting the clocks back). I did try to rest my eyes though.



Follow me on Twitter: @darren_gaskell

CELLULOID SCREAMS 2015: DAY ONE

Sheffield's very own horror movie festival, Celluloid Screams, celebrated its seventh glorious year with yet another strong, diverse line-up of films. In the first part of this special festival-focused blog, I take a look at the feature films screened on the first day...

*** NOTE: THE MINI-REVIEW OF YAKUZA APOCALYPSE CONTAINS SPOILERS ***


THE INVITATION

The festival kicked off with Karyn Kusama's slow-burner of a horror/thriller, fresh from its recent win at Sitges. Will (Logan Marshall-Green) is invited to a dinner party by his ex-wife Eden (Tammy Blanchard) and he is naturally wary of what might happen, having not seen her for a couple of years following a family tragedy and their subsequent break-up. As the evening progresses Will becomes increasingly worried about the intentions of Eden and new husband David (Michael Huisman) and suspects their guests may be in grave danger.

Proficiently made and well acted, this turned out to be a wee bit too slow and deliberate for some but Marshall-Green is perfectly cast as the lead, a spiky, emotional mess of a guy whose paranoia could be well-founded but could equally be the product of his own damaged psyche. The film deliberately fogs the issue in a skilful way and with a neat, though not entirely unexpected, twist about an hour or so in the viewer, like Will, really doesn't know who or what to believe. The eventual pay-off just about matches the careful build-up and there's a memorable final shot but that's all I'm going to say as this is a film where spoilers need to be kept to an absolute minimum. It could have done with being around ten minutes shorter but that's a minor gripe about a movie that's well worth seeking out.

GOODNIGHT MOMMY

The hills are alive with the sounds of abject terror as Austrian writer/directors Severin Franz and Veronika Fiala serve up a tale of twin boys suspecting that their mother isn't the woman she used to be after she returns, face bandaged, from a cosmetic surgery procedure. If she isn't their mother, how will they go about proving it and are they putting themselves at risk by doing so?

This movie certainly divided opinion, many praising its unrelentingly tense atmosphere and its acts of genuinely disturbing violence. Others thought the twist was telegraphed way too soon in the movie and hence the climax lost any impact it might have had. As for me, I did twig what was going on quite early but this in no way ruined the experience for me. Even having anticipated the reveal towards the end, the film still worked as a battle for the very identity of its characters and the suspense is undimmed. Absolutely cracking performances too from Lukas and Elias Schwarz as the twins and the marvellous Suzanne Wuest as the Mommy of the title, able to convey a huge range of emotions even when most of her face is obscured.

YAKUZA APOCALYPSE

The opening day closed with a movie that ranks as one of the most bizarre I've ever seen. Yakuza vampires (okay), gunslinging assassins (mm-hmm), knitting circles (what?), a garden for growing humans (huh?) and an acrobatic, ass-kicking martial arts wizard in a frog costume (I kid you not) are just some of the elements in Takeshi Miike's mind-frazzling action/horror combo. The plot dashes this way and that, the result resembling a number of barely-related films fighting for the one space featuring several ideas that you're waiting to see pay off only for them to be summarily discarded.

The good? Well, the Frog Man is amazing, his appearances on screen being mindbendingly odd, jaw-droppingly athletic and laugh-out loud hilarious. The visuals are pleasing too, with sweeping, well-edited fight scenes and great-looking, comic-book style characters. The bad? If you don't tap into Yakuza Apocalypse's rather strange rhythm during the first 20 minutes you're unlikely to get it at all, which means you either have to endure it for almost two hours or get frustrated and walk out.

It's also another Japanese movie which stops dead in its tracks at an inopportune moment, leaving a number of hanging plot threads and curtailing a mouthwatering, cataclysmic confrontation by having the credits run before so much as a blow is landed. Afterwards, I checked with Caitlyn Downs (of the Ghostface Girls) that everything I thought I'd just seen on screen actually happened. Turns out it did. Either that or we were both hallucinating. Which could also be true.




So that was Day One. What of Day Two? Read the next part of my festival blog coming soon...


Follow me on Twitter: @darren_gaskell

SPECTRE

Starring: Daniel Craig, Christoph Waltz, Léa Seydoux

Writers: John Logan, Neal Purvis, Robert Wade, Jez Butterworth

Director: Sam Mendes

The 24th "official" James Bond movie sees the suave British secret agent on the trail of a sinister organisation responsible for a series of deadly attacks across the globe. All roads seem to lead to a shadowy figure by the name of Franz Oberhauser (Waltz) and Bond embarks on his usual continent-hopping antics to track down his target. Meanwhile, back at home, Bond's boss M (Ralph Fiennes) is battling to save the "00" programme which is under threat from the proposed implementation of an all-seeing, state-of-the-art computerised surveillance system which intends to replace agents in the field...

SPECTRE is wildly uneven, a curious mix of flashy, big-budget action and tedious, lumpen exposition (more of the latter, I'm sorry to say) which feels like the product of too many fingers in the franchise's attractively-packaged pie. It wants to be all things to all people, a shamelessly entertaining pulp thriller but also having something deeper to say about how information is gathered and used (and abused). Whilst I applaud the intention to mix old-fashioned spy thriller with an up-to-date techno paranoia drama the end result is somewhat schizophrenic - two rather different films working against each other and as such the coherence of the piece isn't always what it should be.

And yet it all begins so well - so jaw-droppingly well - with a beautiful, clever, extended tracking shot following Bond through the Day of the Dead parade in Mexico City, stunning female companion in tow. Of course, 007 isn't there to take in the sights, he's on the trail of a nasty bit of work by the name of Sciarra. This inevitably leads to a confrontation and an opening action sequence which ranks right up there amongst the best of the entire series with gunplay, explosions, collapsing buildings, a chase and then a dizzying fight which takes place both inside and outside a looping and twirling helicopter. It's the only time you'll ever be glad to hear Sam Smith's teeth-grindingly dreadful Bond theme because you're given a chance to catch your breath.

Unfortunately the rest of the film doesn't match its superb pre-credits promise, serving up a slice of curiously retro, often clumsily-written Bond action where the bad guy not only has a secret base but is also considerate enough to take the time to explain his villainous motivation to our hero instead of just bumping him off. Still, Oberhauser, the big bad of SPECTRE, is played by the terrific Christoph Waltz which means that any lines he's given, no matter how ridiculous, are imbued with a sense of quiet, effective menace. You're in safe hands with Waltz. Or, rather, you're in unnervingly unsafe hands.

Mind you, if you think Oberhauser is an underwritten and underused character - and you'd be right - just wait until you see how thinly sketched Seydoux's character is. Dr Madeleine Swann is hardly the modern incarnation of a Bond girl - initially, to be fair, her introduction hints that she may be more than a match for her foes but then the script immediately turns her into the damsel in distress which involves her getting kidnapped, pouting a lot, wandering around in her underwear for a bit and being generally ineffective against the bad guys save for one moment when her blundering about distracts Dave Bautista's Mr Hinx just enough for 007 to get a second wind at an opportune moment mid-scrap.

Mind you, if you think Seydoux is given short shrift - and you'd be right - the shrift handed to Monica Bellucci is about the shortest piece of shrift in the history of shrift giving. Take an iconic, brilliant, talented, stunningly beautiful actress with undeniable screen presence and have her play what is more or less a glorified walk-on part. Okay, you could call into question why Bellucci was interested in the first place but the top and bottom of it is that Bond meets her, rescues her from a couple of assassins, gets a bit saucy with her, finds out something which moves the plot along a smidge and that's about your lot for La Bellucci. No, no, no, SPECTRE, that just won't do.

More successful are the plentiful nods to Bond past, with a particular leaning towards the Connery era: a bruising fight on a train recalls From Russia With Love, as does a secondary character with more than a touch of Rosa Klebb about her; the new, high-tech Aston Martin has a distinctly familiar and low-tech series of switches to control its gadgets; another very familiar type of vintage car shows up to transport them to Oberhauser's place; an iconic animal of the series makes a reappearance. The list goes on.

The regulars mostly get a decent look in this time too. Ben Whishaw's Q is thrust into the thick of the action and he gives good nerd against Craig's effortless cool. Ralph Fiennes isn't the recipient of the same batch of shrift that was chucked at Monica Bellucci earlier and is awarded the screen time necessary to give us an interesting glimpse into the character of M. He looks to be having a ball here, ultimately delivering what I think is the film's funniest line with Bond-level aplomb. Naomie Harris is engaging as Moneypenny but after her action-heavy debut in Skyfall this movie generally has her run what are essentially admin tasks for 007 - vital to the mission but no bloody good in terms of interesting character development.

It's the flashes of inspiration - plus a few choice examples of dry banter - that just about hold the interest and raise some hope that the movie will eventually get its act together but at a whopping 148 minutes in length SPECTRE is too ponderous for its own good, scenes of interminable chit-chat taking the place of high-octane thrills. Even the climax doesn't get the pulse racing as it should, giving the audience a rescue mission against the clock that's lacking in any kind of suspense followed by a boat versus helicopter chase that aims for spectacular but hits the target marked "ho hum". Considering the fate of the world is on the line (as it normally is when Bond's around - if you see him, head for the hills....no, don't do that, that's where the bad guy will have built his underground lair) the movie never really convinces that the stakes are all that high.

As a fan of the Bond movies, I expected so much more of this, leaving the cinema with feelings of what could and should have been. It's nowhere near the worst of the franchise (step forward, For Your Eyes Only) but it's a very long way from the best. Given the prodigious talent both in front of and behind the camera the end product is inexplicably, frustratingly, deeply flawed. Pay attention, 007, you need to be back on your game in the 25th film.

CRIMSON PEAK

Starring: Mia Wasikowska, Tom Hiddleston, Jessica Chastain

Writers: Guillermo Del Toro, Matthew Robbins

Director: Guillermo Del Toro

Edith Cushing (Wasikowska) - nice touch with the surname - has been able to see ghosts since she was a child and now those visions inform her aspirations to be a writer. The business dealings of her father sees Edith's path cross with that of British Baronet Sir Thomas Sharpe (Hiddleston) and his sister Lucille (Chastain). It's clear that Thomas is interested in Edith - they both have an interest in the supernatural - but are his intentions driven by something more sinister?

With all of the praise heaped upon this movie from many reviewers more trusted and experienced than I, I do feel a little odd at feeling somewhat less than astounded after having viewed it. It's perhaps because Guillermo Del Toro's previous movies have set the bar so high that I couldn't manage my expectations and had already geared myself up for an astonishing, immersive, unforgettable experience. To be fair, I wasn't exactly racked with disappointment come the end credits but I was far from giddy with excitement.

Still, this is well worth seeing if only to marvel at the incredible design of the production. It's achingly beautiful to behold and I wished I could have been given a pause button to freeze the scene and take in all of the stunning detail (okay, the audience would have probably have been waiting for me outside afterwards because the film would have run for six or seven hours due to me stopping the action with annoying regularity, but...). In my opinion it's the most sumptuous visual treat of the year, hands down. Your eyes will thank you for it.

Crimson Peak also boasts a trio of performers at the top of their game. Wasikowska is a smart, engaging heroine and Hiddleston resists the temptation to chew the scenery in what could easily have been a ripe old role, instead giving us a multi-layered, sympathetic characterisation of a man whose romantic notions mean he's constantly flirting with disaster. For me, however, it's Chastain who steals the movie, hovering ominously on the periphery, a harbinger of doom with an amusing/frightening perma-glare and a cut-glass English accent. She's absolutely brilliant and I hope she had as much fun portraying Lucille as I did watching her.

So, in spite of the above, why didn't it make my heart sing as much as I desperately wanted it to? Well, for starters, it's just not scary enough as a ghost story. It's admirably light on jump scares and on occasion the apparitions are gruesomely effective but the chills are fleeting and the tension isn't allowed to build. The spooky surroundings of Allerdale Hall, the rambling, rickety ancestral pile of the Sharpes, doesn't even feature in the film for the first 45 minutes, the opening act more concerned with Thomas attempting to procure funds for his innovations in mining equipment (and, unfortunately, it isn't much more interesting than that sounds).

The plot is certainly of the old-fashioned type, relying on discoveries of documents and artefacts that any villain worth their salt would have disposed of immediately after their dastardly crimes had been committed. I did get a feeling this this all-too-obvious exposition was a clever smoke and mirrors ploy, diverting my attention away from the real facts, culminating a rug-pulling reveal which would leave me wondering why I hadn't seen what was right in front of me. But no, I had seen what was right in front of me. There is no twist. The evil comes from exactly where you think and the motive for all of this is either refreshingly straightforward or irritatingly lacking in complexity depending on your viewpoint. It's an open and shut case, guv.

Crimson Peak works much better as a lavish, romantic, Gothic melodrama than it does as a creepy, chair-arm wrecking haunted house tale. There is much to admire about it, chiefly the jaw-dropping look of the piece and a cast of talented players treating the material with a deft touch. Trouble is, there's something fundamentally lacking and considering the usual warmth of Del Toro's work the biggest shock is how cold it left me.



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REGRESSION

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Emma Watson, David Thewlis

Writer: Alejandro Amenábar

Director: Alejandro Amenábar

Based on true events, Regression opens with a father walking into a police station and being questioned about a series of horrible crimes concerning the abuse of his daughter Angela (Watson). The problem is that he has no recollection of committing these crimes and Angela is reluctant to talk, fearing the wrath of a group of Satanists with whom her father may be heavily involved....

Alejandro Amenábar's thriller is a frustrating affair, frequently hinting at potential greatness but never coming close to reaching that level. Let's start with the positives, the biggest one being Ethan Hawke. As dour, driven lead investigator Bruce Kenner - not the most sympathetic of characters, it has to be said - his performance is meticulous in its detail, he's fascinating to watch and it's disappointing that the rest of the enterprise doesn't have the same attention to its craft.

The look of the film is striking, matching the glum events of the screenplay perfectly with its dark-hued cinematography. The locations are shabby, subdued, the perfect place for evil to hide in plain sight.The regression sequences are well handled too, full of disturbing imagery and only occasionally resorting to cheap shocks for effect. There are no car chases crowbarred in for effect, no ridiculously-contrived shootouts, this is a thriller that dares to treat its audience as adults and yet it still falls far short of its ambitions.

One of this movie's problems is, very surprisingly, Emma Watson, who doesn't convince as the withdrawn, psychologically-damaged Angela. Her role in the proceedings is perhaps purposely underwritten so as to give as little away about her character as possible lest it spoil the general air of mystery but it also leaves the film fatally hamstrung and, to be fair to the actress, doesn't give Watson much to work with. Yes, we sympathise with her awful situation - who wouldn't? - but we never really connect with the character as we should.

The script is the very definition of a mixed bag, the dialogue in the police station sequences having the ring of authenticity but then lurching into tired psychobabble whenever Thewlis' academic shows up to assist with the investigation. Likewise, the initial set-up is intriguing and the clues Kenner pieces together point to a sinister conspiracy with huge ramifications for his town and beyond only for this to be completely undermined by the "twist" towards the end, which replaces the expected explosive conclusion with one which is much lower-key, far less dramatic and, dare I say, not much of a pay-off considering the careful build-up. Yes, it does subvert the usual tropes of the thriller climax but the ultimate confrontation left me deflated, not to mention scratching my head as to the plausibility of the denouement (I'm falling over myself trying not to put a spoiler in here).

Overall, Regression isn't a total disaster and there's certainly an intent by the film makers to give the audience something a little different. However, great work by Ethan Hawke aside, you won't be recalling many memories of this.


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